mat_defiler (mat_defiler) wrote,
  • Mood: tired

Not the shiniest couple weeks.

I'm eating oatmeal at 5:49 am, with a full glass of tea. A surprising stroke of morning preparedness for me. The clinicals this semester are kicking my ass, and not just from having to be there at 6:30 AM (though i am getting into that mode of wondering when my next migraine will be, and, please, let it be on a day when i don't have class). I got used to clinicals being the place where i shone -- no brainer, here i am, not nervous, where's my patient, yeah, i already did x y and z. That was my one trump card doing the long track with this nursing school foolishness. This is my third year of full time nursing school, with clinicals and all, undergrad, because the LPN was an added year and i get no credit for it towards my RN. The only bonus for that is that i get to glide through clinicals and not feel so stressed. Now i've put in far more hours than anyone should legally have to to get an RN, I'm burnt, and done, and staving off bitterness with only moderate efficacy, and i have a clinical instructor who's just not impressed. Sure, it's peds; i don't know shit about peds, what did i expect?

I'm annoyed with myself. Where's my fortitude? where's my shoulder shrugging attitude and waterproofed back? I'm supposed to be the adult in this program. Standing in a line of 21 year olds as they have their knuckles rapped, learning their formative lessons, all of that, it wears me down. I become ungraceful and obsessed with my age in an unattractive way. It's not like i didn't know what was coming; after LPN school i expected much worse. It's just been a rough couple weeks.

and now i gotta get my ass down to the hospital. Where some small child will be worried about dying. and my actually perfectly nice clinical instructor will repeatedly misinterpret the questions i'm asking, and i will try, really hard, not to correct her and just be graceful and reasonably interested.
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